Breast May Be Best, But It Sure Aint Easy and Some Other Revelations...

Let me preface this post first by saying since my last blog we've had our beautiful baby girl, Sailor Annabelle, with a relatively perfect birthing experience! Thank you so much to everyone for covering us with so many prayers and so much love. Sailor was born weighing in at a healthy 7 lbs. 6 oz. and was 20 inches long.

Here are some of my favorite pics from our hospital stay...

 Nanna-to-be

 Our first family pic...

 My sweet godson meeting his new "cousin" for the first time...

 Grandpa!

 Sailor and her wonderful godparents

 no caption needed...

Now lets get down to business. Although our birthing experience was lovely...my breastfeeding experience in the days that followed was anything but. I've been wanting to write this blog for quite some time now mostly to vent, and perhaps get some insight or support from my fellow mommy's.

Starting from the beginning, when the lactation consultant came to see us in recovery,  Sailor latched like a dream. We both did pretty well I thought, considering it was a brand-new experience...and then it all went down hill.

Silly, naive, child-less me was once so judgmental of mothers who didn't breastfeed, or of those who seemed to give up prematurely....those weaklings I thought in silence! Suck it
up!

I'm sorry. Very, very sorry.

No one ever seems to tell you the down falls to breastfeeding.

First, very soon after that first day, Sailor seemed to get very uninterested in breastfeeding. It was so difficult to get her to latch... and when she did it was PAINFUL, not to mention frustrating, for the both of us. Lactation Consultant after Lactation Consultant would come in and remind me, "If it hurts you're doing it wrong..." fast-forward to me sobbing hysterically after they left, even sometimes before.

(Thankfully after I left I was assured by some girlfriends, (and even my own OBGYN) that latching and all it entails (raw, cracked nipples anyone?) often lasts for the long haul.  Oddly enough, I was comforted by that, feeling as though maybe I wasn't doing it wrong. That Sailor just had a crappy latch.

2., No one tells you how MESSY it is! Spilling, dripping, leaking, waking up in a puddle of milk...constantly feeling sticky!

3. No one tells you how time-consuming it is! Nursing around the clock, pumping for 20 minutes every three hours...how can one get anything done?

4. How vulnerable and exposed you'll feel. The Lactation Nazis will come in and strip you down, and when you get home, you'll spend 1/2 the day with your shirt off. I'm really not even a modest person when it comes to my husband or mother...but it really starts to get to you.

Now, back to my personal story. Sailor was losing weight, (normal I know), getting all yellow, (although she was never classified jaundice, she got close.) and I felt terrible. And desperate. I did whatever those Lactation Nazis asked....I started pumping to get my milk to come in. I nursed to demand. I didn't give in to a Paci, Hell, at one point we were even spoon feeding Sailor expressed milk...as not to lose her latch. CRAZY STUFF! I even stayed an extra night in the hospital in order to get some more help.

Fast-forward to her two-week checkup, and she was still below birth weight. (Only by a couple ounces, but still...the doc appeared concerned.) It was then that I decided to become an exclusive pumper. Maybe it was the worried mom in me, or maybe it was my control-freak tendencies...but I needed to know EXACTLY how much Sailor was eating!

At first everything went very well (well, except the time-consumption of pumping.). I had a pretty good freezer stash and I was still getting engorged and producing tons of milk. And then two things happened....

1. I took my milk supply for granted and thus got lazy with pumping.(If you are going to exclusively pump, I implore you not to do this...)
2. Sailor hit a growth spurt.

And those two things combined are never good.

 I didn't stay on top of pumping and to my surprise, my milk decreased significantly. My freezer stash was gone in a matter of days. And I just couldn't keep up! I knew the madness had to come to an end when I gave Sailor 3 oz instead of 4 because it was all I could provide.  I had to come to terms with the thought of supplementing. I felt defeated. When I talked to my OBGYN about it she consoled me by saying, "Maybe you just aren't a producer...some women just aren't...I wasn't. "

Wasn't a producer? I am a woman dang it! Isn't that enough? If we were back in the day, my baby would starve! Isn't it my god-given ability to be able to nourish my child? I felt like a failure.

Currently, I'm still trying to get my milk supply back up, while giving Sailor 1/2 and 1/2 bottles. I am pumping every three hours or so, drinking a gallon of water a day (no easy feat for someone who HATES water), and taking 6 Fenugreek pills a day. The results are so so. But it is what it is and I've decided to no longer stress about it.  I am no longer waking up at night to pump, and if this bottle of Fenugreek doesn't work, I am not ordering more.

I have decided to ride this half breast milk, half formula bottle train out until I can no longer supply her with half a bottle's worth of milk...(Which I think will be when she starts taking more than 6 oz.)

In the end, Sailor is happy, healthy, and gaining weight appropriately...and that's all that matters. And I've come to the realization that everyone must go on their own feeding journey after having a baby..none better than the next.

 And at least for pride's sake I can say I didn't go down without a fight!